UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.
MAKE SURE HE’S DEAD
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help.
He shouts at the emergency operator, "My friend is dead! What do I do!?"
"Calm down", the operator says, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."
The phone goes silent, for a second. Then the operator hears a gunshot.
"Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
GORILLA EXTERMINATOR
A man living near the Bronx Zoo wakes up one morning and looks out the window. There, sitting in a tree in his backyard, is a big gorilla. In a panic he looks in the yellow pages for gorilla exterminators and finds one listing. He quickly dials the number, and when a man answers, he shouts, "Please hurry! I have a gorilla in a tree in my backyard!"
When the exterminator pulls up in front of the man's house, the man runs out excitedly, telling him that the gorilla hasn't moved at all. So the exterminator says, "Good. Help me unload the truck."
The exterminator takes out a ladder, a baseball bat, an English bulldog, a large piece of rope, and a shotgun. They take all this stuff around to the side of the house, and just before they round the corner to the backyard, the exterminator stops.
"Okay," he says to the man, "you're going to have to help me with this. Now, I've done this many times before, and there's never been any problem. But you must listen very carefully."
"First, I'm going to go around to the other side of the tree, behind the gorilla, put the ladder against the tree, and climb up. Next I'm going to hit the gorilla with the baseball bat and knock him out of the tree. Now, you will be holding this English bulldog by the leash. When the gorilla hits the ground, you let go of the leash. This English bulldog has been specially trained to do one thing and one thing only. He will run up to the gorilla and bite the gorilla's balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, you and I will run up with the large piece of rope, tie up the gorilla, and load him into the back of my truck. You got it?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Now, it's very important that we do everything in the proper sequence, so I want you to repeat the entire procedure to me."
"Okay," says the man. "First, you climb up the ladder behind the gorilla, then you hit the gorilla with the baseball bat, knocking him out of the tree. When he hits the ground, I let go of the specially trained English bulldog and he will run up and bite the gorilla's balls off. This will stun the gorilla, and while he is in this state of shock, we run up with the large piece of rope and tie him up. Then we load him into the back of your truck."
"Okay. You got it," says the exterminator. "Let's go."
He is just about to start to move toward the tree when the man says, "Hey, wait a minute! What's the shotgun for?"
"Oh, yeah," says the exterminator, "I almost forgot to tell you. That's the most important part! Now, this is just a precaution -- it has never happened before, but in the event that the gorilla should somehow knock me out of the tree, shoot the dog.
HOLY COW, LOOK AT ALL THOSE INDIANS
A well-known modern artist was commissioned to do his interpretation of Custer's Last Stand. After spending two years on the gigantic painting, a big ceremony was held for its’ unveiling.
The entire art community, the press and members of the government were all present, eagerly awaiting the moment when the curtain would be drawn, unveiling the painting. Finally, all the guests sat down and the sheet covering the canvas was drawn and a shocked silence filled the room.
In the center of the painting stood a large cow with a halo, surrounded by thousands of Indians, all engaged in various sorts of sex.
No one in the room new quite how to react when a reporter for the times stood up und addressed the artist, "Sir, could you please explain the imagery in this painting. I'm afraid I don't understand much about modern art."
"Sure thing," said the artist, "This painting represents my conception of what was going through General Custard's mind at the exact moment he came over the hill at Little Big Horn. I believe that his very first thought was, 'Holy Cow, look at all those fucking Indians!'
CAN'T GET INTO PANTIES
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here, put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and with that attitude, you never will..."
HUMOR – ONE LINERS
Shock me, say something intelligent.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
Are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
The best part of your family tree is underground.
I’m trying to reach your mind … any idea where it is currently?
If your brain was chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
She’s as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
Have you ever been to the local zoo? I mean as a visitor?
There’s this thing on her car that reads: WARNING - Objects in mirror are DUMBER than they appear.
She fell out of the “stupid tree” and hit every branch on the way down.
She thinks everyone worships the ground that he crawled out of.
You really shouldn’t let your mind wander ... It's really not strong enough to be allowed out on its own.
Are you sure the nurses know you're using the computer?
You're outstanding in your field, and that's where you should be - out standing in your field.
I need your comments about as much as Custer needed MORE Indians!
If there's nothing to say, I'm sure you'll say it.
When I want your comments, I'll rattle your cage.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Well I COULD agree with you, but then we'd BOTH be wrong.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
It's better to let someone think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
I've seen people like you before at the carnival - but I had to pay an admission...
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.
I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.
I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...
Well, they do say opposites attract...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
About as welcome as a fart in a full elevator.
She's seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
If you didn't have feet you wouldn't wear shoes.....then why do you wear a bra??!
mirrors don't talk but lucky for you they don't laugh
People like you are the reason I'm on medication.
Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide these bodies
I have always woundered why people bang their heads against brick walls..... then I met you.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
If you're gonna act like a dick you should wear a condom on your head so you can at least look like one !!!
Hmm...I dont know what your probelm is...but I'm going to bet it's really hard to pronounce...
There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.
Oh I'm sorry, how many times did your parents drop you when you were a baby?.
God made mountains, god made trees, god made you but we all make mistakes.
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Earth is full. Go home
There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.
People like you are the reason I'm on medication
When God made me, he was just showing off
I'm not perfect... But I'm so close to it it scares me!